Sometimes you can be a grown woman and still need your daddy

What is the biggest challenge you will face in the next six months?

So recently I have had to come to the realization that my dad is not always going to be here. Years ago I was able to have the conversation I always wanted to have or needed to have with him, regarding the lack of parental attention I got from him as a child even a teenager and going into my adult hood. He said all the things that I needed him to say. He actually told me how ashamed he was and how much he regretted not being able to  actually have a hand in my upbringing. I was able to get some closure. Knowing that he understood how much I needed him. He may not have been a reliable parent but he has always been a good Tata ( grandfather) to my girls.

I think I always felt like no matter what I would significantly miss my mom more if she were to pass away, then I would my dad. I think it was because my mom represents my stability, my strength, liability and most importantly my ability to process problems and make sure that I’m accountable for the things that I’m responsible for. My dad always represented my sense of humor. I tend to laugh when it’s not appropriate to do so. I tried to take things that are supposed to be serious and I try to laugh them all or act like they’re not as important or a big deal. So I just always felt like with my mom was to leave this earth I don’t know how I could live. But I never thought about what would happen if my father passed away.

This week I have been doing with my dad not being able to breathe on his own. He was hospitalized with pneumonia a few weeks ago. And when I say it’s difficult to have pneumonia in Arizona I’m not being funny. The air is so dry out there that it’s a really hard for someone to actually be diagnosed with pneumonia but my father and my stepmother were both actually hospitalized with it at the same time. They were discharged and he was only home for a few days before he started nodding off while in the middle of conversations. The morning he was hospitalized again I actually was having a conversation with him when he fell. All I could hear was commotion in the background and my stepmom letting me know that they were going to call me back. Which he did. He told me everything was okay , that he was okay. I got dressed for work and went about my day. Before I clocked out for work to go home I had a message from my aunt my dad’s younger sister saying that he was hospitalized again. And he was having trouble breathing his oxygen level was really low. They couldn’t find anything else wrong with him.

Do they know what’s wrong with him? Not exactly but they do know that he is unable to breathe without the oxygen machine . They have been discussing giving him a tracheotomy. They say that the diaphragm is damaged and those two things combined mean that he will never sing again. This might not be important to most people but most people are not part of my family and singing is important to us. I know that the quality of his life is what actually matters but something that he was will never be the same. I do hope that he does pull through this.

I can never say that I love one of my parents more than the other. But I don’t remember them ever being a couple. They split up when I was 2 years old, and I can only remember them separately. As a grown up I was part of a lot of children that grew up in my family or were in my life that came from broken homes. A few of them were able to have a relationship with both of their parents. I am blessed to have been able to say that I was able to have a relationship with both sides of my family.

The picture that I included in this post was given to me by my father’s oldest sister my Aunt Mary. She went through a box of pictures that she had and she wanted to distribute them to the people that she felt like would want them or they belong to . She gave me this picture and it was the first time I honestly saw my parents as a happy couple. They are smiling and having a good time. They are me. I am a combination of all the good and bad that makes them who they are.

In the next few months I am going to have to figure out how to get through learning how to get to know my parents differently. They are both my world and even though I am a grown woman with a family of my own I need them both . I have my Mom right now but my dad is almost 1,000 miles away from me and I wish I could just hug him. I need my daddy and I don’t know what the next few months will bring. I am scared and I feel really stressed and alone.