Fear

I am a small person. Meaning that in almost everything that I do or attempt I have to get over the fact that some things are easy for some people, but not for me. I am constantly afraid that I will be left behind because I don’t get something or comprehend what is happening around me. I am an empath  and in order to not let just anyone through my boundries of emotional and physical pertection I have to tune out important things that I should be aware of. I am afraid of so many things that make no sense to people.

I have abandoment issues from being left behind. It started with my father. Even though my Mother left him, he choose to not be involved in my developmental years. He choose to only be my father when it suited his situation. My grandmother, at no fault of her own, Died when I was about to turn six years old. She was my bestfriend at the time. She was my world. Here one day gone the next. No warning, No Goodbye. A young girl I connected with as a child. Swallowed a ballon by accident. Causing me to be afraid of something more then a father who could walk away, or death taking a love one away. Now I know that children are not safe from a world of suffering and pain. A simple piece of rubber can snuff out a life before it has time to begin. If I had a fear that maybe I am working on overcoming it would be to learn to be able to be alone. I worry so much about being left behind that I forget that we all come into this world alone, we have to learn things on our own, and eventually we are dying alone. The abandonment I have allowed to control me is not who I am and most importantly I don’t want my daughter to learn this to be normal either. I look back and I have come a long way from my fear, but looking a head I know I have a way to go.