Happy Birthday to me

So I’m coming up on my 43rd birthday. 43 43 I just want to keep saying it 43. 3 years from where I am right now my grandmother died. At 46 she didn’t have time she didn’t have everything that grandmother was supposed to have she didn’t have what a lot of people take for granted. My mother lost her mother when she was in her twenties. My grandmother only got to know two of her grandchildren one of them she was raising and basically was snatched out of her hands when his mother was ready to take her son back. My grandmother was my best friend I was a 6 year old child with a grown up for a best friend my cousin Erica lived next door but she spoke a lot of Spanish and I just wasn’t able to communicate with her very much. I remember my mom’s cousin’s children more I mean she’s my mom’s cousin’s child also but I remember them more than I remembered her. So my grandmother became my best friend. And I think she really in a lot of ways she way mother’s too.

Sometimes I think about her. when she died she was alone. She was getting ready for work she was a nurse but she had a diabetic seizure and basically bounced from one side of the hall to the other side. When I was younger I would climb in the bathtub and speak to her. The bathtub is probably the last place that she had coherent thought. It was probably the last place she had control of herself. So I feel extremely close to her in the bathtub it doesn’t have to have water in it I could be taking a shower in it. I feel comfortable there.

My birthday has always been extremely important to my mother. She has always celebrated and reminded me how important I’ve been to her. But now as a years of going by she’s starting to forget things. She’s dismissing things they were important to her before. And even though I have had so many more years with my mother then she got to have with hers, it seems like we’re spending more and more time arguing with each other. I don’t want the past years but I have with my mother to be us angry I also don’t want her last years with each other to be where we don’t understand each other. I want to be able to be able to appreciate what we have. My mom spent a lot of her life being the rock that held us all together she was someone that we could always count on. She tried to teach us what the world was really about without sugar coating it without making it a fantasy. Yet she tried really hard to make sure that our childhood was not tumultuous and had as little drama as possible. With each passing year I feel like our entire family has been blessed to be able to together. But sometimes being together reminds us how different we are and how far apart our mindsets are.

What inspires me the most?

Tiffany Jenkins

https://www.facebook.com/391955364517474/posts/1473241739https://www.facebook.com/927454567464367/722159/?sfnsn=mo

So few years ago we were in Weatherford Texas hanging out with my brother-in-law and my husband was having a hard time assessing his emotions and his thoughts because obviously he’s got 37 people inside there trying to tell him which direction he should go when he feels like he knows which direction he wants to go.

I am watching Facebook videos and I see this video of this woman who is playing all the different emotions in her head the different phobias, anxieties, that she deals with everyday. They are actually sitting around her kitchen like they’re having a meeting. Discussing how the day is going to go. At one point procrastination walks in the door like late like oh okay so glad you were here to join us procrastination. Anxieties like sitting over there to the side letting her know that nobody loves likes her everybody hates her all the parents think she’s weird and crazy. And of course like self-doubt comes around the corner and is like well maybe I shouldn’t even take the kids to school maybe I’ll just stay home and you know they can just walk to school. She set up to were she is in a sense making fun of her situation. But in reality you know that this is something that she deals with every single day. Every day she wakes up and something is nagging in her head telling her what she’s trying to do and how she’s trying to go forward in life is not going to work out because something is going to get in the way anxiety procrastination her trying to start her diet and then some other anxiety or another phobia processing in her head gets in there and derails everything she’s doing.

So let me explain a little bit about Tiffany Jenkins. She’s a mother,she’s a wife, she has to deal with every day things that go on in all of our lives. She wakes up in the morning and starts her day already knowing that she feels like something is going to go wrong yet she pulls herself out of bed and does it anyway. She reminds us that being a mom being a wife being a human being takes a lot of work. Put a little spin on all of this that Tiffany Jenkins goes through she’s also a recovering drug addict. So a lot of times when she gets on her page or she goes live she advocates for people who are fighting addiction. I’ve seen her do a live show and explain to a family what they are not understanding about their loved one who is a drug addict. She tries to explain to them that they are coming from a whole different spectrum then their loved one is. She lets them know that they don’t have to enable the person that they love all they have to do is love them. Not try to be raid them make them feel small make them feel like they’re uprooting an entire family with an illness that they have brought forth into their family or into their friendship friend Dom whatever you want to call it. She tries to explain to people and that drug addicts alcoholics anybody who has a dependency on something that they can’t kick they don’t think the same as people who have no chemical imbalances in their head. She reminds people that not only is she a recovering drug addict but she is also dealing with mental health issues. Things that hundreds of people in this country go through and some of them don’t have anyone to turn to some people don’t have the the voice that it takes to ask for help or to even look to where to begin to find help. She lets people know that they can hit rock bottom but they don’t have to stay there. She helps people to understand that every day is a challenge and she puts her entire life out there for the entire world to see the name of her channel is keeping up with the Jenkins and I thought that was really funny because my husband when he goes on social media like Facebook his username is f****** you Jenkins and I just thought it was funny because I was like oh look at that they’re related even though my husband’s last name is Ray. She actually inspired us to come up with an idea for a Facebook page that my husband and I set up I started the ground work for it and he pretty much took off with it he has no sponsorship at the moment he doesn’t pay for commercials nothing like that or any ads and he has a really good following it’s on Facebook it’s called ravinsanely. We set this page up in order for people who have issues with anxiety and don’t know where else to go they can go on to this page rant and rave get upset say what they want to say they can turn the comments off so nobody can comment on anything that they’re saying, they’re able to vent out anything that they want to say and not worry about us blocking them from the page it’s a place to get everything off your chest if you want to you want to put a little memes on there and express things that you won’t want to say you want to get in there and get into a heated conversation with somebody if they let you comment their post you’re completely allowed to. It’s a place to be able to just lay it all out there and let people see who you are let them see what mental illness looks like what it looks like on it’s good days what it looks like on its bad days. What people don’t see when you walk into a room with a smile on your face and everyone thinks that you have it all together but you really don’t. It’s just a place to feel safe. A couple of times we’ve been watching the videos when my husband puts them on there and with his DID he sometimes switches from one personality to the other and you can completely see the switch the difference in his face the way he carries himself his demeanor sometimes he’ll say something like where am I or who are these people around me because sometimes he doesn’t know who these people are. There’s a few times when one of his alters will take over and hasn’t been out in a very long time and they have no idea what’s going on and where they are and you got to kind of explain to them what’s happened and what’s going on in the world because they’ve been gone so long and then there’s a couple of his alters that pretty much they pick up the slack of whatever his emotions are and how they affect him if they know that he’s going to get very angry one of the other alters will take over that can smooth it over or try to calm it down a little bit sometimes that one is not the one that takes over one of the ones who’s very aggressive will take over and it takes forever to calm down or try to get Wesley to come back. That’s part of the reason why I started trying to do this blog because when I tell people that my husband has the DID they oh he’s got another personality. Nope he has 37 other personalities that they have documented so far. When you explain that to somebody the first thing that they say is how do you do that how do you stay married to somebody like that. My answer to them is I don’t know how all of them can handle being with me.

Imagine it this way let’s not go into the dirty p*** frame of mind but imagine 38 people are standing in a room and they are all trying to get to the front of a line when they get to the front of the line the only thing that’s waiting for them is one single person that maybe they’re not attracted to or that they just do not get along with or that they think that that person is trying to hurt the person who is hosting them. So if their host is damaged or hurt in any way so are they. They’re fighting to get to the front of the line but sometimes when they get there it is not what they expect. That’s why I say I don’t know how they put up with me. Because quite clearly I’m not the person they want to be with. But in retrospect I don’t want to be with them either I married my husband, I made my matrimony vows to my husband my husband and I have two children together of course unconventionally. But our family is mine Wesley our daughter Skyller and her baby Neva. The other alters do their best to make sure that Wesley’s family is taken care of. Not one of them would ever go out of their way to hurt my children and they try their best to make sure that they don’t disrupt our marriage.

Tiffany Jenkins has helped me to understand sometimes things I didn’t understand about my husband’s condition. He’s not crazy he has mental illness that some psychiatrists don’t even believe exist. But I’ve been married to him for almost 20 years now and I can tell you that the first few years I would get very frustrated with some other things that were happening in our marriage when I would talk to him and he didn’t remember that I said something to him or I’d ask him to do something and it didn’t get done and it just happened to be something really important. When he was diagnosed with the DID it all started to make sense. It starts with little things like when he’s describing his childhood I know his parents, I know that his mother sometimes was not as nurturing as she should have been with him and his father bordering on the line of abuse, but some of the memories that he has are of two completely different people being his parents. When he’s going through the story he calls them his mom and dad, pops and Moms but if you actually knew pops and Moms, you would know that the people he’s talking about are not his biological parents but they are one of the alters parents he’ll tell people that he has a bunch of brothers and sisters when biologically Wesley only has two brothers that are twins. A lot of the things that he would tell people actually made sense like they’re not just stories that somebody just tells just to tell them they’re actually memories of somebody that’s in his head. When his psychiatrist sat down with me and showed me the video of her trying to pinpoint the different personalities that were in his head it all started to make sense things he say suddenly started falling into place. I wasn’t going crazy I wasn’t just talking to my husband and he just wasn’t paying attention to me so now when the altars are switching around they try to leave each other like little notes and stuff to let each other know what is going on that way they’re trying to at least have some kind of chain of direction you know.

Now this woman she inspires me by showing the world her flaws. She tries to make jokes about it but when you listen to the words that are coming out of her mouth and their point that she’s trying to get across and how she’s trying to explain the way that people treat people with mental illness it gives you that point of view where you can stand back and look at it and realize when you’re yelling at somebody or when you’re telling them are you listening to what I’m saying why aren’t you listening to what I’m saying you know that sometimes it’s just something that’s inside of their head that is not functioning like your head does I have actually come to find out that over the years that I have mental illnesses of my own that I would have never even thought of to even look into had I not had to go through this with my husband. Our older daughter Skyler her mother is still alive she signed custody of Skyler over to us a few years ago because she has multiple sclerosis and she doesn’t want to be the one who decides that she’s not well enough to take care of her daughter. So if for some reason we feel like she is not able to take care of her daughter and it’s getting close to her passing away we are her plan b. Most people would consider their their child’s biological father or mother to be the next in line to take custody of them however Skyllar’s mother did not trust her father to be able to provide for her. She also has three biological children one was an adult by the time we signed the custody papers with family of her own.The other two are twins and have since become 18 and grown into adulthood Skyler is 14 years old now, and Her mother trusted us to be able to take care of her over all of these people that should have been next in line. Only a few months after we signed this paperwork to take custody of her father had a massive heart attack playing basketball. Skyler has known about this arrangement since she was about 8 years old. She has been told what is going to happen if her mother does become too ill to take care of her or passes away. However the three of us came to an agreement that we will not just take her from her mother as smooth transition. I want her to spend as quality time with her as possible. I want her mother to watch her cross the stage for graduation not only for high school but college as well. I want her mother to see her on her wedding day, I want her to see her grown daughter make decisions and make mistake and learn and grow from them. I don’t want her to miss out on all those things. I don’t want her mother to feel like she has to take a backseat to her child’s life. I am honored to be able to part of it. To be a safety net to catch her if she needs us. I could never imagine how a seven year old child should have to deal with losing a father and then knowing that one day she will lose her mother as well psychologically as an adult how would you handle that. Imagine being a child and knowing that it’s coming. I can’t even imagine the things that go through her head and how she processes her feelings and her emotions all I know is that if she needs us we’re here. I try to read things try to understand a little bit about what goes on in other people’s heads. Because I know that everyone does not process things the same way. I know that some people can handle a mentally butt load of stuff and some people just break. I know that people go through life and have no meaning in it and think that their existence is not important in any way. But I want people to understand that just because they feel these things and they think these things doesn’t make them so. We all have a purpose we are all here for a reason whether that reason is for one person to meet another person and you’re the person in between I don’t believe that God makes mistakes and I certainly do not believe in coincidence I think that when you think that’s something is a coincidence that it’s just lined up right like that because it’s supposed to be like that. We have an entire universe around us we are but a small little piece of Rock in a vast amount of universe. I don’t believe that everything that holds our existence together was only made by a coincidence.

I also don’t believe that me coming across this video of Tiffany Jenkins was a coincidence. I follow her to this day and Someday I feel like I’m unraveling that no matter what I never going to get to the end of what I’m trying to accomplish and then Tiffany will go live and just start randomly talking about something. She one day just decided to address something that one of her viewers happened to see in her home because she does her page from her house. A person was discussing how she had clutter in her house or something behind her was filthy or didn’t look right or something and then while she was talking she was yelling at her children telling them to be quiet and sit down on the couch and she was in the middle of doing something and these people just felt like because they watch her videos and they listen to her going on her rant that it was okay for them to put their two bits in no Tiffany shut that down real fast and told them you know you going to live your life you take care of your family take care of what you’re going to do don’t tell me how to do my stuff and she said I have enough going on in my head without other people trying to tell me what to do. Right on you are the only person that knows how to navigate your family. Nobody else should ever have an opinion about how you process things in your house. I’ve seen her do a little skit where she’s getting her kids out of the van to go to school and she’s like looking around trying not to run into that Mom that knows everything the mom whose children are perfect they do no wrong they’re going to be going to the summer camp that’s going to elevate them into becoming better. Of course both women are played by her.

But these are real issues that parents go through they are constantly questioning every single thing that they’re doing wondering if they’re doing it correctly or if they’re just really messing their kids up. One of my friends once asked me how do you know if you’re a good parent. I told her you know you’re a good parent starting with asking that question. First you had to ask yourself the question and then you turn around and ask another person that same question so right there that’s telling you that you’re concerned with whether you’re doing it right or doing it wrong and truth is every child is different just because you were raised by the same parents doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to come out exactly the same. Every child responds to things in a different way I noticed right off the bat that things that worked for our older daughter do not work for a younger daughter. Our older daughter is more nurturing, honestly I think that she is afraid to let go of things because she’s lost so much already in her life. That she’s just afraid that if she turns around that everything’s going to be gone and everything’s going to be different so she cherishes every moment that she has. I think it’s beautiful I think that she’s going to grow up to be an amazing woman because she’s an amazing teenager and she was an amazing child. I think the influence of having all three of us there to support her has showed her that she’s going to be okay she wants to make sure we’re going to be okay.

Our younger daughter in Pre-K first day of school she started talking to a transgender child name Jesse and after that she didn’t need us anymore. She’s got on the bus went to school everyday waving to us bye well we’re sitting here waiting for the bus to go around the corner so that we can get in the car and go chase it down to make sure they get to school all right. She’s ready to let us go already at the moment she’s going to be 7 years old in July and she already commands our whole entire neighborhood and all of these kids in this neighborhood are older than her. She tells everyone what they’re going to do how they’re going to play it what they’re going to do who’s going to do what. I know I’m proud of both of them I don’t think this world’s going to knock either one of them down.

So one more shot out to Tiffany Jenkins from keeping up with the Jenkins you can find it on Facebook and I’m pretty sure on YouTube as well. Also ya’ll ever get the need to get something off your chest gone over to Facebook pages ravinSainly I’m going to see what I can do about getting a link and dropping it on this page alrighty.

https://www.facebook.com/927454567464367/

My name was Never Was

-Courtney Love *Hole Celebrity Skin*

A person who loses a spouse is referred to as a widow or a widower. As soon as you hear the word you know that they have just lost a person that they had planned to spend the rest of our lives with. There’s another tone to the way that you handle a situation when you run into someone who is introduced into your life as a widow or a widower. A child who has lost their parents is referred to as an orphan. This word alone allows you to know that this child has no one in the world both of their parents are deceased. They already have the card stacked against them with no parental role models.

However society, Webster’s dictionary or whomever you would like to blame never made a word to describe a parent who has lost a child. Instead you find out about the hardest loss in the world by either word of mouth or actually getting to know the person and nobody can just sneak a word and let you know this person’s gone through a lot because they had a bury child.

My maternal grandmother died when she was 46 years old and before she was laid to rest she buried two of her children. She used to say it’s unnatural for a parent to have to bury a child, children should bury their parents. It’s the natural order of things. My mother went into the hospital to give birth to her twin daughters and she and my father walked out of the hospital empty-handed. Two months later I was born. That’s why I refer to myself as my name was never was. Because my birth should have never happened there’s a technical term for it it’s called super fetation or a double pregnancy. Now before you start saying that we were triplets this is not the case. My sisters were twins. They shared a placenta and embiotic sack so when my mother went into labor their water broke and through natural birth they came into the world however they didn’t have a chance to live to see it.

Well well this entire time Monica was in a separate embiotic sack and not so ready to come out yet. I was born on my cousin’s 5th birthday and ruining her life not really my cousin loves me. But the spontaneousness of my birth just happened to happen on her 5th birthday so the family that just lost twins all of a sudden had a baby to bring home. This brings me to a interesting realization that I’ve had about myself since I can remember. I really felt I had a beyond relationship and anybody else on this planet has had besides Jesus I guess with God. I’m not saying that I’m above anything or above anyone but I do believe that God put me on this planet for a reason. I think I was chosen to be here whether it was to ease my mother’s heart or to destroy the Dynamics of every single person that I get into an argument with. I definitely feel like when people meet me they have a hard time forgetting me.

I know a lot of people who are egotistical and think that they are here to change the world. I feel this way because with my life which is the entire question that we’re talking about I am completely grateful for the life that I have because it almost was non-existent. The right components lined up exactly how they should have been for my life to happen. I hope I like Spider-Man with great power comes great responsibility. I am a beacon for spiritual entities which means I am a medium and if a spiritual being is lost they automatically are drawn to me. So it goes without saying I’m pretty sure my first memory was of an apparition. They used to play with me as a child. They confined in me their deepest darkest secrets that they probably never told anyone when they were alive. Because they think I have the answers. I also am an empath. I think I felt other people’s feelings, and their pain, their suffering, their happiness, their laughter, their accomplishments before I ever understood what those things meant to me. I understood what was right and what was wrong before anyone my age ever did. I can see inside of people who they truly are. And until I had started doing drugs I never missed a beat I can see the inside, the light, the darkness, the things that people are capable of doing to each other, what they do to themselves when no one is watching. I can also see what is hanging around them like you know the Angel and the devil on your shoulder except they’re not little they’re full grown massive and fighting constantly over The souls of some of these people that are confused Who don’t know where to go or what to or how to think. I have same things that I wish I could unsee. But I know that God has a purpose for me to see these things, I am certain that if the entire world could see what I see they would go mad. I know my husband disagrees with me but I think this is the reason why I can’t have children. I think that God doesn’t want to burden another person with this. I mean don’t get me wrong I am certain that there’s other people out there like me because I’ve met them. I’ve run into people who have similar abilities like mine or some of them are 10 times stronger than mine are they are able to control their abilities. Some are barely coming into their abilities and ask for guidance. My daughter whom we have discussed before was not brought into this world by me, but by my sister, who does share the same mitochondrial DNA as I do. Her children have just as much opportunity to be born with the same abilities that we have. So my daughter has displayed random things I recognize from my childhood. She has also let me know that she sees things as well.

That’s possibly the reason why I started drinking and doing drugs, Imagine not remembering a day in your life when people were not talking to you that no one else can see. Then one day you wake up to silence. Not just silence but you’re not seeing things that other people don’t see. Not constantly asking yourself did I see that or was that real. At least inebriated I could some what block what I was seeing or who could correspond with me, this could be the reason why for so long I chose to be a drug addict and an alcoholic, it blocked things I could deal with later. My grandmother’s sister oralia when she found out I was staying in dragon she came and talked to me and asked me what my abilities were and I told her when I moved to Arizona had a hard time seeing them but I could hear them. She let me know that because of the proximity of where the remaining sisters lived which are Texas and Arizona,and Nevada, they created a binding in order to be able to understand what they were dealing with. They individually gain their abilities from birth but their abilities also were very pinpointed and concise. In my generation I was the first one that was ever tapped into my abilities however now when I’m talking to my cousins you know over the past few years and they’re starting to embrace that part of our heritage a little bit more. I Have seen death in his actual form and spoken to him as a colleague. I have incredible abilities that I cannot help but realize are not evil that God gave them to me.

My grandmother lived and extremely short life she live long enough to see three of her grandchildren being born but never live long enough to become old. Her family is the source of the abilities I have. I hadn’t noticed them until my grandmother sister explain them to me. One by one the daughters of that family died and with each one I received an ability that made me stronger. Now I’m not talking about magic which I know exist but I’m not going to pull a rabbit out of a hat and do some tricks to make people think that I am all powerful because I’m not. My abilities are confined in God.

How many of you are out there who have the same type of abilities but don’t understand them?

Storming the Capitol.

So people may be thinking that I’m wrong and that’s okay. The world is built on different opinions and different ideas. If we all thought the same what a boring world this would be. That being said so many different opinions are swirling around about what exactly happened. In my opinion people will do whatever they’re going to do it doesn’t really take much to insight people to decide to form a mob mentality. I do believe in peaceful protest, but I also believe that sometimes you have to take action to be heard. In my opinion I do not believe that this is what happened last week.

I grew up interracially mixed world. My genealogy, ancestry, ethnicity came from a lot of different places. To cut and dry say that I am of one ethnicity is seriously not giving credit to a lot of my ancestors. My family for the most part does not see different ethnicity or different race in the same light that a lot of people do. During my early childhood I grew up around African American kids, native American Kids, Anglo, and Hispanic kids. Racism was not an issue. But one day it became important. But why??? We just started hating on a level I had never thought would happen. It’s scary for me to imagine how the. Color of our skin is still an issue. The quality of our character is what matters.

Favorite Comedians

My favorite comedian hands down is John Leguizamo. I like him because he is not afraid to express how unconventional his life is. He Comes from a Latin family who similar to my family is gigantic, I have more cousins and uncle’s and aunt’s then most people do. He makes fun of how different his family is from the average American family which gives him plenty of material to use. Thing is American family yes come from all over the world yet they don’t share the same culture as some other families do. So he has to basically take the Listener on a verbal voyage through the Dynamics of his family in order to help them understand where he’s coming from. And where he has come from he talks about his parents his relationship with his brother his relationship with his uncle. How his father’s infidelity was handled in their family. How his family life was different than his friends.

I think I related to him because I realized as I was growing up I somehow realized how different my life was growing up then some of my friends. My mother was a single mother, however I did have a relationship with my father. It wasn’t a very healthy relationship a lot of times I had to realize that I was not the number one person in my father’s life. Where my mother sacrificed a lot of things for us growing up my father’s sacrificed nothing. But I do realize that the relationship I do have with my father is valid because my brothers don’t have that relationship with him. I was at least a part of his life even if it was just a picture in his wallet.

This brings me to the point I was trying to make. My father’s family have made it completely normal to make fun of themselves and make jokes out of situations that are actually not very funny but in retrospect what do you do. You got to laugh at it. They are storytellers from the beginning. Either ya laugh, or get upset either way you’re right with what you are feeling, and inevitably take you become part of their story.

Raised by a single mother.

I was honestly raised by my mother and my mother alone. She raised my sister and I without assistance from either of our fathers. She also took care of some neighborhood kids that grew up with us. My mom handled things without showing any weakness or letting us know that we were technically a poor family. She worked really hard to teach us a positive work ethic. As well as teaching us the value of a dollar the value of our time spent working and basically that to have the things that you want you have to work hard. This world is not designed to give you things. It was initially made for survival of the fittest and my mom gave us the basic skills to survive, to thrive, to be able to understand what the world was really about. Watching her on her hustle always made me feel like it was weakness to ask for help. Because my mom did all of these things by herself without anybody helping her. She lost her mother at a pretty young age she was already an adult but she was barely in her 20s around this time she also met her father for the first time and started building a relationship with him. A lot of times I feel like if I ask people for help that they’ll start thinking that I can’t handle my situations. If I try to achieve things on my own I feel like I have accomplished something. I feel like life can’t push me down because I won’t let it. This reasoning sometimes gets me into a situation worse than if I would have just ask for help. Sometimes I am
my own worse enemy.

Personal Goals

So as you know Facebook likes to remind you of things that have happened to you in your past. Show you things that you probably are trying to forget but there they go popping up in your head again so here’s the thing apparently 3 years ago today I was working at Love’s and a customer gave me two rules to live by number one don’t sweat the small stuff and number two everything is the small stuff.

Also on this day 5 years ago my husband and I signed our rent to own agreement and had it notarized. This day was in retrospect a amazing day it was the day that we finally were going to own something and it was going to belong to us. Both my girls had their own rooms my husband and I had a place to call home. Then only a few months after my husband broke his back and we started spiraling downward trying to keep this house that we already lived in for 3 years. We tried everything in the world to hang on to that but no matter how hard we tried it seemed like we were never going to dig our way out of the hole that we where in. I lost my job at Walmart because my husband was having issues mental health issues and physical issues. And before I knew it we lost our house, we had to throw in the towel and move back to Texas.

Also on this date 11 years ago I was still living in Texas and working at the Walmart in Grapevine. That was the day I was called into the office and told that I got caught on camera buying clothes on clearance. I kind of laughed but when our policy forbids associates from buying products before the customers can buy them. I thought it was going to get wrote up but I only got a verbal warning and the next day I brought back the two items that I bought and told them that there are five Walmarts from where I lived at to that store and I can buy things on clearance at other stores as well as use my discount card at another store. I shopped at this store because it was my home store and my bonus checks and pretty much paychecks move all around that stores ability to make sales but if my money is not as good as a customer’s money then that can be a customer somewhere else.

So that being said I think that 3 years ago a customer gave me some good advice to not sweat the small stuff and everything is small stuff no matter what way you look at it everything is able to be managed whether 11 years ago you thought you were getting wrote up or 5 years ago you thought that you were buying the house that you would be able to raise your kids and retiring or turning around and realizing you’re back at square one and starting from the beginning only this time you have two kids and a husband who is mentally challenging. The small stuff is what makes it worth going through. So ya’ll hang in there everything is going to be all right in the end.

No matter what’s going on in your life think of one thing that you’re proud that you accomplished this year because in reality that’s all it really is you have to get by day by day, week by week and then before you know it years have gone by. And this is your normal life

What my daughter taught me?

So after years of struggling to draw a heart you know being a girl even when I was a teenager wanting to draw hearts and everything my heart’s sucked. So I’m running through a sketch of an idea my daughter had for a t-shirt for her cousin and I draw this heart and she looked at it and said what is that I told her I know I don’t draw very good that’s a heart she says here mommy I’ll show you how to draw a heart so the one in the middle is hers and the one on the right side is the one that I usually draw and the one on the left side is the one that she taught me how to draw so my 6 year old taught me how to draw a heart.