Happy 43 Birthday Serena,

Hey there screaming at you from Texas to heaven, hope you have a Happy 43rd birthday. Can you believe it we’re 43 you were taken from us when you were 26. It doesn’t seem like that much time has passed yet Wesley and I are about to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary so really that much time has passed. I haven’t really got to talk to any of the kids lately but I do keep up on Yunique’s Facebook post so I get to see pictures of your grandson pretty regularly she’s actually really good at keeping up with it. But nothing is the same without you. I wish that I could have told you how amazing you were it seemed like I spent a lot of our friendship nagging at you about the things that you were doing wrong. Which until I became a mother I realized the difficulty it is to be a mother. No matter what I do no matter what I say no matter what the outcome of anything ends up being I always feel like I’m doing everything wrong. I work overnights so I sleep during the day and I hardly have any time for doing anything. I feel like my daughter sometimes is without because I’m not there to nurture her. But I also realize that I have a lot more time with her than you have with your kids. All those little things that you would do that would drive me crazy, are not far from the things that I myself would do now. Really I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday to let you know that we’re still thinking about you and that if things were different which sometimes it’s pointless to Hope or to think that things could be different, I would have hope that whatever we were fighting about would have been over and we could have gotten over whatever was standing in between us. So I still kind of have a little bit of insight to what your kids are doing yet I still feel like I’m so far away. Well anyhow I am going to fold some laundry do some adulting and lay down so that I can get up and go to work tonight. I’m pretty sure we would have been partying or going somewhere out tonight if you’re still here. But these kids aren’t going to raise themselves so I guess we better be adults. – Monica

Been awhile old friends

So these last few months I’ve kind of been on a hiatus I haven’t been writing as much as I really would like to and I’ve been working on projects that have taken up a lot more time than I thought would. First off I found a friend that I’ve had since I was like 12 years old we grew up in the same apartment complex as children. I sent him a friend request on Facebook and a message asking how he was doing and a few months later I got a response. At first I just figured he was busy with his life you know how it is you see people from your past and you friend them and every now and then you drop them a line but for the most part time has changed everyone.

When you finally responded to my message I was surprised to find out that he’s been through a lot of the same things that I’ve been through over the past years he’s suffered through drug addiction, raising a family trying to be a positive role model, and trying to be a better person. My best friend Athena and him, had in the past been roommates. And she put him in a very difficult situation between her old man and him. Knowing that we all have been old friends for so long she can find a lot of things in him and he did the same yet the things that she asked him to keep private or things that were against her relationship with the father of her child. He was holding secrets for her about her issues with controlled substances as well as her having affairs. She’s confined the same things with me as well and I know that all of us are human we do very human things and sometimes the things that we do are not always accepted by other people. What I do know is I’ve known her for 3 decades and no matter what she does or what choices she makes they’re her choices, she has to live with them in the end and nobody has a right to judge her life. I love her with all my heart and I support her and things that she does and her accomplishments and I’m there for her when she falls, because when I was at my lowest she never judged me. She never tried to rationalize what I do and what I have done in my life and has never made me feel like I was less. I think that’s what true friendship really is about not that you enable your friends to do the things that they want to do and let them hurt themselves, because I spent a very big part of my life while we were teenagers and young adults trying to protect her. When really I should have just let her make decisions make her own mistakes and learn from them. She was a few years younger than me and Jamie were so it seemed like it was only fitting for us to be her protectors. Into adulthood I’ve found that she really didn’t need that at all she really can make her own choices and her own decisions and even when she falls and feels like she’s hit rock bottom it’s good for her I don’t step into her relationships I don’t try to give her advice about things I just let her tell me what she wants to tell me when she wants to tell it to me without judgment. I think that when we were younger I pushed her away a lot doing that because she was afraid to tell me things because she didn’t want to disappoint me and I’m nobody I mean I’m somebody in my life but in her life she is the center of it she should never have felt the need to make me happy because her happiness is what counts in her life. We’re adults now we have families we have responsibilities and she has a full-time job she’s buying her own vehicle she’s not depending on anyone else to take care of her she is independently on her own now. Now our friend who I will not mention his name at the moment because I haven’t got permission to use him in my blogs yet he is now trying to reach out to us in order to find normalcy back into his life. He and I have been corresponding for the last couple months and kind of let each other into each other’s lives but we have not got together in person yet. Today he possibly will be showing up at our house and even though I’m really excited I am also extremely nervous because it has been a lot of years since we’ve all seen each other. He has never met my husband he someone knows his situation but doesn’t know him personally so I’m hoping everything goes well and I’m hoping that we can all stay in each other’s lives a little more than we have been because I think right now in this time where people are becoming very socially distant from each other then maybe what we really need is the people who knew us from the beginning. So I hope everything goes well and I hope we can all get along with each other and have a new relationship that’s starting from our past.

So readers let me know your situations have you ever had a friend that you reconnected with that you wanted to meet them and we’re really excited to see them again. If so how did introducing them to your family to your spouse to your children affect if in any way to the dynamic of your life. I’m just curious to know if anybody else has ever been in this situation if anyone else has ever had to introduce your family to someone from your past that they’ve never met before that when you were younger meant so much. But now after decades you have no idea what they’ve been up to and they have no idea what you’ve been up to except for what you decide to tell them.

So quick update I have received the permission to use my friend’s name in my blog. His name is Thomas but ever since we were kids I’ve always called him TJ. He gave me permission to use his name and said I can tell everyone all his embarrassing exploits from childhood till present day. We actually spent a few hours at my mother’s house hanging out with each other. He brought my husband a comic book because I told him a story about me actually opening a limited edition comic book of my husband’s and reading it and realizing that my husband really does love me otherwise he would have strangled me. So we all just kind of hung out and talked about our past I realized that he and my husband have quite a bit in common they both are handyman Jacks of all trades masters of none. And they both have a very Hands-On parenting relationship raising daughters. Even though TJ refers to his daughters as dicks and we call ours bitches. In the most loving way possible. Both are children have no filters they say what’s on their mind and they do not hold back. Lying is not in their forte. Even though it was a very short visit, TJ and I still send occasional messages to each other check up and see how each other are doing. I actually am looking forward to the next time we can all get together. One of the questions he did ask was was my mom still mean and absolutely she is mean as the day is long. But I remember his mom being just one of the sweetest women that have ever met. We discussed the other day how our mom’s kind of like let us have open range of our teenage and adolescent lives. And we all probably did some stuff that we probably wouldn’t have been able to do if we would have come from a nuclear family. But I wouldn’t change or trade my childhood for the world. We had an inside joke in the apartments that we live in that we all must have had the same father because they’re really couldn’t be that many deadly fathers in the world. All of us were raised by single mothers. Aaron Kiendl, Andrea Douglas, Jamie Byrd, Missy Morris, Whitney Riddle, Andy Olsen, Patricia Wolfswinkle and her sisters, TJ and his sister Candy, Stephanie and Richard Contreras, David Gonzales, Roy, and Josh Pierce ( part raised by their grandmother) The Smith Kids (Christina boys and Diana’s girls) The Osborne’s, The Jones girls, Daniel Simmons, and us. All raised by Single mothers busting their asses to provide for their kids sacrificing quality time for financial security. We all ended up working at extremely young ages to help our family’s or just to have something more. Not to mention that we all ended up doing things that maybe would have gotten lots of kids in trouble. We had a lot of responsibilities and we also had a lot of maybe misdirected trust because we were not always doing the things we were supposed to be doing.

That being said it was almost as if we didn’t skip a beat like no time was lost in between us like we just were able to have normal conversations as if we had always been in contact. Every now and then we talk about things that transpired between the two of us, we talk about how we impacted each other’s lives and how we still are impacting each other’s lives. I guess what I really wanted to say is I’m glad that our paths have ran back into each other and y’all know I don’t believe in coincidences so there is a reason that we found each other again at this point in our lives. Having some kind of normalcy or I guess having someone who knows me for who I am, who I started out being, who helped me develop into the person that I am really means a lot to me and I hope that we continue to have that kind of relationship. Where we can talk about whatever is on our minds whatever is happening in our lives and know that we knew each other before we went down this path called life. I wouldn’t say that we know each other better than anyone else but I would say that we know each other differently than others know us. If that makes sense. Just know that reconnecting with people from your past is reconnecting to who you are. When those people understand you because they were learning to understand themselves it’s actually a pretty amazing feeling. Glad that we found each other TJ.

A dream is a wish your heart makes.

It was a day I would never forget in 2012 March 31st. I was at work and all of a sudden I was so nauseous that I grabbed a package King’s Hawaiian rolls and began shoving them into my mouth, one of my coworkers commented that maybe I might be pregnant. Before I went home that day I took a pregnancy test home and sure enough after nearly a decade of being married we were pregnant. Living in Dragoon, Az a place I love from my childhood more then anyone could know. Maybe everything would actually work out for us. Maybe I was not a cosmic joke to the world, maybe I was allowed to be like everyone else and participate in life conversations. Without the fear of sounding like I am forcing myself into a conversation.

But once again, life decided on its own that it would leave my husband and I childless. I always felt like I had a lifetime to be a mother. My father’s parents had 11 children only one of them died. That is ten live births. Seven daughters and three sons. Only one of their daughters was unable to have children. The rest of them have multiple children. My mother’s parents had four children together three sons one daughter that was my mother. My grandfather went on to getting married a second time and had five children with his second wife three sons and two daughters the daughters being twins. I have a lot of fertile family members. There should have been no reason why I couldn’t have children. But for some reason I just couldn’t. Everyone around me would wonder what was wrong with us why was it so easy for everyone else but so difficult for us.

I did get rather depressed thinking that my husband wouldn’t want to be with me anymore because I couldn’t provide him with a child. The one biological function that my body is supposed to do and I was unable to do it. I would find myself wishing just aimlessly wishing that something will just come together and we would finally get pregnant. Then one day sitting on the edge of a bathtub looking at a little plastic stick that was going to either devastate me or change my life forever and there it was a positive result.

In less than 2 weeks from reading these results Wesley and I we’re on our way to Tucson to go to the emergency room because I had starting spotting and frankly I was pretty scared. It was April 13th 2012 of course a Friday a small petite woman walked into the room where we were waiting for results from a ultrasound that was taken internally with a camera on the inside. She walked in with an enormous smile and gave us the most terrible news our lives. Apparently I had a atopic pregnancy I had an embiotic sack that was forming and no child inside of it instead my kidney bean was stuck in my fallopian tube. I had to have surgery immediately to have not only my only biological child removed as well as the tube he was stuck in. My husband lost it he watched that doctor walk in with her gigantic smile and couldn’t understand how she could tell us the worst thing she could possibly tell us with a smile on face and then look like we hurt her feelings when I started crying.

Even after I had my surgery. I was supposed to be out of work for 3 weeks I ended up going back that same week because first I couldn’t be out of work I needed money. And second it was more terrible than anything in the world to be alone with my thoughts. My job sent me a plant to show their condolences and all I had to do was sit it in front of a window to get a little bit of light and in only a few days I killed the plant. Which that sent me into an anxious state because not only can’t I carry a child, keep it alive like a woman supposed to do but now I can’t even keep a plant alive. I was feeling completely useless. My husband having mental health issues was unaware how to handle the situation. He was afraid to talk to me about emotional things. His family are very disconnected from emotions. In the same sense my family is as well. Both of us were not sure how to handle what we were going through and how to speak to each other about it. So I just went back to work however it is a 27 mile ride to work and then a 27 mile ride home from work to get to where we lived so that was 27 miles of me alone with my thoughts again luckily my mom would call me to make sure I was getting home okay and she would speak to me the entire ride home. Honestly if it was not for my mother I am may have fell asleep driving or run off the road because I was crying just every little thing reminded me of my inability to be a mother.

So fast forward a few years and my sister and I had a conversation about surrogacy. It was actually rather random. She had decided that she was only going to have two children my niece Mercadi and Tiana. However her OBGYN gynecologist lady doctor whatever you want to call her advised her that she should not try to get her tubes tied or go through having any kind of surgery to enable her from having children. She told her that her body was still able to carry children. She reminded her that if she chose to have her tubes tied or a hysterectomy it would cause her body to go into early menopause. At this point I think she kind of realized that she was talking to me about not wanting to have any more children when I couldn’t even have one. So she turned to me and said in jest, “if I was to get pregnant again it would only be if I carry a baby for you” of course I laughed this off because I never in a million years thought that this situation was even possible.

Few years later we realized that my sister carrying a child for me through surrogacy was actually a possibility. I had insurance through my job and while she was actually carrying my child she was able to have all of her medical needs covered by Medicaid. The actual birth and most of the prenatal care and of course the actual in vitro process was covered by my insurance. The initial plan was to use one of my eggs and my husband’s sperm to actually have inserted into my sister. However my eggs would not attach and our plan B was to use my sisters eggs. Hers were still healthy, and her reproductive system was still in excellent shape she was in her thirties so they advised her that this particular pregnancy was considered at risk, mainly because she was in her thirties and with both her previous pregnancies she had gestational diabetes. On top of that by this point she was also having high blood pressure. What this meant was that they were going to be monitoring her more closely than they did with her other pregnancies. Which technically meant for me that I got to have a gazillion sonograms and 3D sonograms. My sister tried to make my husband and I more involved then she was. When they did the ultrasound to find out the sex of my daughter she refused to let them tell her the sex of the baby she was caring. Any test that they had to do she ran it by me before she even let them make an appointment for her to have any kind of test done. She carried my baby, made sure my daughter was safe, and she did everything that she possibly could to make sure that this pregnancy was about us and not about her. My baby sister did for me what no one can ever imagine. My baby sister brought my child into this world and made me a mother. She never even questioned anything she did it selflessly and Out of Love.

So my daughter’s due date was in August. At first they said it was August 20th then August 16th then August 5th. But lo and behold my child decided she was coming into this world on her own terms. On July 29th my sister called me to let me know that she lost her mucus plug. So a few weeks before we were ready we got in our vehicle with my sister’s daughters who had been spending the summer with us and our oldest daughter who also was spending the summer with us. Our roommate had decided he was moving to Texas and catching a ride, when we went to take the girls back at the end of the summer because we were planning to come to Texas anyway for the birth of our child. Instead we were surprised by her earlier arrival. So on July 31st 2014, of course on August Eve at 9:11 p.m. our daughter Neva Soliel Ray came into this world.

My baby sister made my life worth wishing and dreaming for again.

New Manager

Not very many people know that I work for one of the biggest retail stores on the planet. I try not to mention them by name because I do not have permission to actually use their trademarked name. However I really have nothing ill to say about my job or the company that I work for. I have been working on and off for this company since 2005 and this store that I am at at the moment is my third store. I started out working in the fresh area Deli/Bakery and now I am an overnight stocker. In the beginning this position was rather awkward for me because I was not used to working in this area of the store. Basically I was very much out of my comfort zone, I actually was coached for being slow and apparently not being able to keep up with some of the other employees that have been there for years. They assume that working for this company for over a decade that I would know exactly what was expected of me in this position. Let me remind you that I have never in all the years I have been working which is actually since I was 14 years old, Been Told that my job was not up to par. This feedback actually made me feel inadequate and completely embarrassed that my work was not good enough.

Now I am a important part of a team. My coworkers and I work seamlessly together. We work as a unit and I think we feed off of each other and try to do the best that we possibly can in order to do our jobs and to maintain what our founders meant for this company to become.

So recently we got a new member of management that is technically called a Coach. The last person that has had this position we met one time and he never came back. The gentleman who had the position before him has been gone for over a year. He was transferred to in different store and we have been working with what we have since. So when we were told we were getting a new coach not everybody was Keen on the new guy. I am definitely not using his real name because I do not have permission to write about him in my blog so we’re just going to call him Devon. Devon is 6 years younger than I am he’s in his thirties and he has been with this company for 17 years which is just about the same amount of time I’ve been with them, except of course he has consistently been with the company. He came introduced himself to the overnight crew At first I was a little taken back by him because he did not offer his hand to me to shake when I met him. I wasn’t really sure what to think of him. However when he began his first day with us, he completely showed us a different way of stocking. Whereas before we were assigned an aisle or an area and expected to work the freight and zoned said area. Instead we are now as a team down stacking our freight onto the floor in front of where it belongs, which caused a lot of people to think we were doing double work, because we have always been used to working from our pallets and carts straight onto our floor. Downstacking our freight onto the floor where it is going to be stocked, then as a group we call it swarming we go down each aisle and stock the shelves as a group, before we leave that aisle we Zone it and go to the next. This technique has proved that we can get a lot more done in the eight hours that we are working.

Devon has actually made me think more about being open to change. He’s become so much a part of our team that a few days ago somebody made a comment to him saying that he didn’t know what he was doing and I got offensive not offended offensive I wanted to know exactly who told him that he didn’t know what he was doing because I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. I feel like in retrospect I’ve always thought if it’s not broke don’t fix it, but I’ve also spent my entire life having to accommodate myself and the way that I do things because of two things number one I am only 4 foot 9 and I joke around and tell people I was born on a ladder because I am definitely not afraid of heights otherwise I would never be able to do my job or any job since I was 14 years old. My height has never got in the way of me doing my job in any of my jobs. Number two I have OCD and I do things a lot different than a lot of people do. I thrive with structure and order. This just seems like what Devon is bringing to the table. Seems like under his leadership we are actually working as a crew and not just for ourselves.

I think that one of the things that this pandemic has opened my eyes to is that we are social creatures and being separated and quarantine from each other taught us how to truly be alone and some people are good with that but some of us need to have contact human beings.

Happy Birthday to me

So I’m coming up on my 43rd birthday. 43 43 I just want to keep saying it 43. 3 years from where I am right now my grandmother died. At 46 she didn’t have time she didn’t have everything that grandmother was supposed to have she didn’t have what a lot of people take for granted. My mother lost her mother when she was in her twenties. My grandmother only got to know two of her grandchildren one of them she was raising and basically was snatched out of her hands when his mother was ready to take her son back. My grandmother was my best friend I was a 6 year old child with a grown up for a best friend my cousin Erica lived next door but she spoke a lot of Spanish and I just wasn’t able to communicate with her very much. I remember my mom’s cousin’s children more I mean she’s my mom’s cousin’s child also but I remember them more than I remembered her. So my grandmother became my best friend. And I think she really in a lot of ways she way mother’s too.

Sometimes I think about her. when she died she was alone. She was getting ready for work she was a nurse but she had a diabetic seizure and basically bounced from one side of the hall to the other side. When I was younger I would climb in the bathtub and speak to her. The bathtub is probably the last place that she had coherent thought. It was probably the last place she had control of herself. So I feel extremely close to her in the bathtub it doesn’t have to have water in it I could be taking a shower in it. I feel comfortable there.

My birthday has always been extremely important to my mother. She has always celebrated and reminded me how important I’ve been to her. But now as a years of going by she’s starting to forget things. She’s dismissing things they were important to her before. And even though I have had so many more years with my mother then she got to have with hers, it seems like we’re spending more and more time arguing with each other. I don’t want the past years but I have with my mother to be us angry I also don’t want her last years with each other to be where we don’t understand each other. I want to be able to be able to appreciate what we have. My mom spent a lot of her life being the rock that held us all together she was someone that we could always count on. She tried to teach us what the world was really about without sugar coating it without making it a fantasy. Yet she tried really hard to make sure that our childhood was not tumultuous and had as little drama as possible. With each passing year I feel like our entire family has been blessed to be able to together. But sometimes being together reminds us how different we are and how far apart our mindsets are.

What inspires me the most?

Tiffany Jenkins

https://www.facebook.com/391955364517474/posts/1473241739 https://www.facebook.com/927454567464367/722159/?sfnsn=mo

So few years ago we were in Weatherford Texas hanging out with my brother-in-law and my husband was having a hard time assessing his emotions and his thoughts because obviously he’s got 37 people inside there trying to tell him which direction he should go when he feels like he knows which direction he wants to go.

I am watching Facebook videos and I see this video of this woman who is playing all the different emotions in her head the different phobias, anxieties, that she deals with everyday. They are actually sitting around her kitchen like they’re having a meeting. Discussing how the day is going to go. At one point procrastination walks in the door like late like oh okay so glad you were here to join us procrastination. Anxieties like sitting over there to the side letting her know that nobody loves likes her everybody hates her all the parents think she’s weird and crazy. And of course like self-doubt comes around the corner and is like well maybe I shouldn’t even take the kids to school maybe I’ll just stay home and you know they can just walk to school. She set up to were she is in a sense making fun of her situation. But in reality you know that this is something that she deals with every single day. Every day she wakes up and something is nagging in her head telling her what she’s trying to do and how she’s trying to go forward in life is not going to work out because something is going to get in the way anxiety procrastination her trying to start her diet and then some other anxiety or another phobia processing in her head gets in there and derails everything she’s doing.

So let me explain a little bit about Tiffany Jenkins. She’s a mother,she’s a wife, she has to deal with every day things that go on in all of our lives. She wakes up in the morning and starts her day already knowing that she feels like something is going to go wrong yet she pulls herself out of bed and does it anyway. She reminds us that being a mom being a wife being a human being takes a lot of work. Put a little spin on all of this that Tiffany Jenkins goes through she’s also a recovering drug addict. So a lot of times when she gets on her page or she goes live she advocates for people who are fighting addiction. I’ve seen her do a live show and explain to a family what they are not understanding about their loved one who is a drug addict. She tries to explain to them that they are coming from a whole different spectrum then their loved one is. She lets them know that they don’t have to enable the person that they love all they have to do is love them. Not try to be raid them make them feel small make them feel like they’re uprooting an entire family with an illness that they have brought forth into their family or into their friendship friend Dom whatever you want to call it. She tries to explain to people and that drug addicts alcoholics anybody who has a dependency on something that they can’t kick they don’t think the same as people who have no chemical imbalances in their head. She reminds people that not only is she a recovering drug addict but she is also dealing with mental health issues. Things that hundreds of people in this country go through and some of them don’t have anyone to turn to some people don’t have the the voice that it takes to ask for help or to even look to where to begin to find help. She lets people know that they can hit rock bottom but they don’t have to stay there. She helps people to understand that every day is a challenge and she puts her entire life out there for the entire world to see the name of her channel is keeping up with the Jenkins and I thought that was really funny because my husband when he goes on social media like Facebook his username is f****** you Jenkins and I just thought it was funny because I was like oh look at that they’re related even though my husband’s last name is Ray. She actually inspired us to come up with an idea for a Facebook page that my husband and I set up I started the ground work for it and he pretty much took off with it he has no sponsorship at the moment he doesn’t pay for commercials nothing like that or any ads and he has a really good following it’s on Facebook it’s called ravinsanely. We set this page up in order for people who have issues with anxiety and don’t know where else to go they can go on to this page rant and rave get upset say what they want to say they can turn the comments off so nobody can comment on anything that they’re saying, they’re able to vent out anything that they want to say and not worry about us blocking them from the page it’s a place to get everything off your chest if you want to you want to put a little memes on there and express things that you won’t want to say you want to get in there and get into a heated conversation with somebody if they let you comment their post you’re completely allowed to. It’s a place to be able to just lay it all out there and let people see who you are let them see what mental illness looks like what it looks like on it’s good days what it looks like on its bad days. What people don’t see when you walk into a room with a smile on your face and everyone thinks that you have it all together but you really don’t. It’s just a place to feel safe. A couple of times we’ve been watching the videos when my husband puts them on there and with his DID he sometimes switches from one personality to the other and you can completely see the switch the difference in his face the way he carries himself his demeanor sometimes he’ll say something like where am I or who are these people around me because sometimes he doesn’t know who these people are. There’s a few times when one of his alters will take over and hasn’t been out in a very long time and they have no idea what’s going on and where they are and you got to kind of explain to them what’s happened and what’s going on in the world because they’ve been gone so long and then there’s a couple of his alters that pretty much they pick up the slack of whatever his emotions are and how they affect him if they know that he’s going to get very angry one of the other alters will take over that can smooth it over or try to calm it down a little bit sometimes that one is not the one that takes over one of the ones who’s very aggressive will take over and it takes forever to calm down or try to get Wesley to come back. That’s part of the reason why I started trying to do this blog because when I tell people that my husband has the DID they oh he’s got another personality. Nope he has 37 other personalities that they have documented so far. When you explain that to somebody the first thing that they say is how do you do that how do you stay married to somebody like that. My answer to them is I don’t know how all of them can handle being with me.

Imagine it this way let’s not go into the dirty p*** frame of mind but imagine 38 people are standing in a room and they are all trying to get to the front of a line when they get to the front of the line the only thing that’s waiting for them is one single person that maybe they’re not attracted to or that they just do not get along with or that they think that that person is trying to hurt the person who is hosting them. So if their host is damaged or hurt in any way so are they. They’re fighting to get to the front of the line but sometimes when they get there it is not what they expect. That’s why I say I don’t know how they put up with me. Because quite clearly I’m not the person they want to be with. But in retrospect I don’t want to be with them either I married my husband, I made my matrimony vows to my husband my husband and I have two children together of course unconventionally. But our family is mine Wesley our daughter Skyller and her baby Neva. The other alters do their best to make sure that Wesley’s family is taken care of. Not one of them would ever go out of their way to hurt my children and they try their best to make sure that they don’t disrupt our marriage.

Tiffany Jenkins has helped me to understand sometimes things I didn’t understand about my husband’s condition. He’s not crazy he has mental illness that some psychiatrists don’t even believe exist. But I’ve been married to him for almost 20 years now and I can tell you that the first few years I would get very frustrated with some other things that were happening in our marriage when I would talk to him and he didn’t remember that I said something to him or I’d ask him to do something and it didn’t get done and it just happened to be something really important. When he was diagnosed with the DID it all started to make sense. It starts with little things like when he’s describing his childhood I know his parents, I know that his mother sometimes was not as nurturing as she should have been with him and his father bordering on the line of abuse, but some of the memories that he has are of two completely different people being his parents. When he’s going through the story he calls them his mom and dad, pops and Moms but if you actually knew pops and Moms, you would know that the people he’s talking about are not his biological parents but they are one of the alters parents he’ll tell people that he has a bunch of brothers and sisters when biologically Wesley only has two brothers that are twins. A lot of the things that he would tell people actually made sense like they’re not just stories that somebody just tells just to tell them they’re actually memories of somebody that’s in his head. When his psychiatrist sat down with me and showed me the video of her trying to pinpoint the different personalities that were in his head it all started to make sense things he say suddenly started falling into place. I wasn’t going crazy I wasn’t just talking to my husband and he just wasn’t paying attention to me so now when the altars are switching around they try to leave each other like little notes and stuff to let each other know what is going on that way they’re trying to at least have some kind of chain of direction you know.

Now this woman she inspires me by showing the world her flaws. She tries to make jokes about it but when you listen to the words that are coming out of her mouth and their point that she’s trying to get across and how she’s trying to explain the way that people treat people with mental illness it gives you that point of view where you can stand back and look at it and realize when you’re yelling at somebody or when you’re telling them are you listening to what I’m saying why aren’t you listening to what I’m saying you know that sometimes it’s just something that’s inside of their head that is not functioning like your head does I have actually come to find out that over the years that I have mental illnesses of my own that I would have never even thought of to even look into had I not had to go through this with my husband. Our older daughter Skyler her mother is still alive she signed custody of Skyler over to us a few years ago because she has multiple sclerosis and she doesn’t want to be the one who decides that she’s not well enough to take care of her daughter. So if for some reason we feel like she is not able to take care of her daughter and it’s getting close to her passing away we are her plan b. Most people would consider their their child’s biological father or mother to be the next in line to take custody of them however Skyllar’s mother did not trust her father to be able to provide for her. She also has three biological children one was an adult by the time we signed the custody papers with family of her own.The other two are twins and have since become 18 and grown into adulthood Skyler is 14 years old now, and Her mother trusted us to be able to take care of her over all of these people that should have been next in line. Only a few months after we signed this paperwork to take custody of her father had a massive heart attack playing basketball. Skyler has known about this arrangement since she was about 8 years old. She has been told what is going to happen if her mother does become too ill to take care of her or passes away. However the three of us came to an agreement that we will not just take her from her mother as smooth transition. I want her to spend as quality time with her as possible. I want her mother to watch her cross the stage for graduation not only for high school but college as well. I want her mother to see her on her wedding day, I want her to see her grown daughter make decisions and make mistake and learn and grow from them. I don’t want her to miss out on all those things. I don’t want her mother to feel like she has to take a backseat to her child’s life. I am honored to be able to part of it. To be a safety net to catch her if she needs us. I could never imagine how a seven year old child should have to deal with losing a father and then knowing that one day she will lose her mother as well psychologically as an adult how would you handle that. Imagine being a child and knowing that it’s coming. I can’t even imagine the things that go through her head and how she processes her feelings and her emotions all I know is that if she needs us we’re here. I try to read things try to understand a little bit about what goes on in other people’s heads. Because I know that everyone does not process things the same way. I know that some people can handle a mentally butt load of stuff and some people just break. I know that people go through life and have no meaning in it and think that their existence is not important in any way. But I want people to understand that just because they feel these things and they think these things doesn’t make them so. We all have a purpose we are all here for a reason whether that reason is for one person to meet another person and you’re the person in between I don’t believe that God makes mistakes and I certainly do not believe in coincidence I think that when you think that’s something is a coincidence that it’s just lined up right like that because it’s supposed to be like that. We have an entire universe around us we are but a small little piece of Rock in a vast amount of universe. I don’t believe that everything that holds our existence together was only made by a coincidence.

I also don’t believe that me coming across this video of Tiffany Jenkins was a coincidence. I follow her to this day and Someday I feel like I’m unraveling that no matter what I never going to get to the end of what I’m trying to accomplish and then Tiffany will go live and just start randomly talking about something. She one day just decided to address something that one of her viewers happened to see in her home because she does her page from her house. A person was discussing how she had clutter in her house or something behind her was filthy or didn’t look right or something and then while she was talking she was yelling at her children telling them to be quiet and sit down on the couch and she was in the middle of doing something and these people just felt like because they watch her videos and they listen to her going on her rant that it was okay for them to put their two bits in no Tiffany shut that down real fast and told them you know you going to live your life you take care of your family take care of what you’re going to do don’t tell me how to do my stuff and she said I have enough going on in my head without other people trying to tell me what to do. Right on you are the only person that knows how to navigate your family. Nobody else should ever have an opinion about how you process things in your house. I’ve seen her do a little skit where she’s getting her kids out of the van to go to school and she’s like looking around trying not to run into that Mom that knows everything the mom whose children are perfect they do no wrong they’re going to be going to the summer camp that’s going to elevate them into becoming better. Of course both women are played by her.

But these are real issues that parents go through they are constantly questioning every single thing that they’re doing wondering if they’re doing it correctly or if they’re just really messing their kids up. One of my friends once asked me how do you know if you’re a good parent. I told her you know you’re a good parent starting with asking that question. First you had to ask yourself the question and then you turn around and ask another person that same question so right there that’s telling you that you’re concerned with whether you’re doing it right or doing it wrong and truth is every child is different just because you were raised by the same parents doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to come out exactly the same. Every child responds to things in a different way I noticed right off the bat that things that worked for our older daughter do not work for a younger daughter. Our older daughter is more nurturing, honestly I think that she is afraid to let go of things because she’s lost so much already in her life. That she’s just afraid that if she turns around that everything’s going to be gone and everything’s going to be different so she cherishes every moment that she has. I think it’s beautiful I think that she’s going to grow up to be an amazing woman because she’s an amazing teenager and she was an amazing child. I think the influence of having all three of us there to support her has showed her that she’s going to be okay she wants to make sure we’re going to be okay.

Our younger daughter in Pre-K first day of school she started talking to a transgender child name Jesse and after that she didn’t need us anymore. She’s got on the bus went to school everyday waving to us bye well we’re sitting here waiting for the bus to go around the corner so that we can get in the car and go chase it down to make sure they get to school all right. She’s ready to let us go already at the moment she’s going to be 7 years old in July and she already commands our whole entire neighborhood and all of these kids in this neighborhood are older than her. She tells everyone what they’re going to do how they’re going to play it what they’re going to do who’s going to do what. I know I’m proud of both of them I don’t think this world’s going to knock either one of them down.

So one more shot out to Tiffany Jenkins from keeping up with the Jenkins you can find it on Facebook and I’m pretty sure on YouTube as well. Also ya’ll ever get the need to get something off your chest gone over to Facebook pages ravinSainly I’m going to see what I can do about getting a link and dropping it on this page alrighty.

https://www.facebook.com/927454567464367/

My name was Never Was

-Courtney Love *Hole Celebrity Skin*

A person who loses a spouse is referred to as a widow or a widower. As soon as you hear the word you know that they have just lost a person that they had planned to spend the rest of our lives with. There’s another tone to the way that you handle a situation when you run into someone who is introduced into your life as a widow or a widower. A child who has lost their parents is referred to as an orphan. This word alone allows you to know that this child has no one in the world both of their parents are deceased. They already have the card stacked against them with no parental role models.

However society, Webster’s dictionary or whomever you would like to blame never made a word to describe a parent who has lost a child. Instead you find out about the hardest loss in the world by either word of mouth or actually getting to know the person and nobody can just sneak a word and let you know this person’s gone through a lot because they had a bury child.

My maternal grandmother died when she was 46 years old and before she was laid to rest she buried two of her children. She used to say it’s unnatural for a parent to have to bury a child, children should bury their parents. It’s the natural order of things. My mother went into the hospital to give birth to her twin daughters and she and my father walked out of the hospital empty-handed. Two months later I was born. That’s why I refer to myself as my name was never was. Because my birth should have never happened there’s a technical term for it it’s called super fetation or a double pregnancy. Now before you start saying that we were triplets this is not the case. My sisters were twins. They shared a placenta and embiotic sack so when my mother went into labor their water broke and through natural birth they came into the world however they didn’t have a chance to live to see it.

Well well this entire time Monica was in a separate embiotic sack and not so ready to come out yet. I was born on my cousin’s 5th birthday and ruining her life not really my cousin loves me. But the spontaneousness of my birth just happened to happen on her 5th birthday so the family that just lost twins all of a sudden had a baby to bring home. This brings me to a interesting realization that I’ve had about myself since I can remember. I really felt I had a beyond relationship and anybody else on this planet has had besides Jesus I guess with God. I’m not saying that I’m above anything or above anyone but I do believe that God put me on this planet for a reason. I think I was chosen to be here whether it was to ease my mother’s heart or to destroy the Dynamics of every single person that I get into an argument with. I definitely feel like when people meet me they have a hard time forgetting me.

I know a lot of people who are egotistical and think that they are here to change the world. I feel this way because with my life which is the entire question that we’re talking about I am completely grateful for the life that I have because it almost was non-existent. The right components lined up exactly how they should have been for my life to happen. I hope I like Spider-Man with great power comes great responsibility. I am a beacon for spiritual entities which means I am a medium and if a spiritual being is lost they automatically are drawn to me. So it goes without saying I’m pretty sure my first memory was of an apparition. They used to play with me as a child. They confined in me their deepest darkest secrets that they probably never told anyone when they were alive. Because they think I have the answers. I also am an empath. I think I felt other people’s feelings, and their pain, their suffering, their happiness, their laughter, their accomplishments before I ever understood what those things meant to me. I understood what was right and what was wrong before anyone my age ever did. I can see inside of people who they truly are. And until I had started doing drugs I never missed a beat I can see the inside, the light, the darkness, the things that people are capable of doing to each other, what they do to themselves when no one is watching. I can also see what is hanging around them like you know the Angel and the devil on your shoulder except they’re not little they’re full grown massive and fighting constantly over The souls of some of these people that are confused Who don’t know where to go or what to or how to think. I have same things that I wish I could unsee. But I know that God has a purpose for me to see these things, I am certain that if the entire world could see what I see they would go mad. I know my husband disagrees with me but I think this is the reason why I can’t have children. I think that God doesn’t want to burden another person with this. I mean don’t get me wrong I am certain that there’s other people out there like me because I’ve met them. I’ve run into people who have similar abilities like mine or some of them are 10 times stronger than mine are they are able to control their abilities. Some are barely coming into their abilities and ask for guidance. My daughter whom we have discussed before was not brought into this world by me, but by my sister, who does share the same mitochondrial DNA as I do. Her children have just as much opportunity to be born with the same abilities that we have. So my daughter has displayed random things I recognize from my childhood. She has also let me know that she sees things as well.

That’s possibly the reason why I started drinking and doing drugs, Imagine not remembering a day in your life when people were not talking to you that no one else can see. Then one day you wake up to silence. Not just silence but you’re not seeing things that other people don’t see. Not constantly asking yourself did I see that or was that real. At least inebriated I could some what block what I was seeing or who could correspond with me, this could be the reason why for so long I chose to be a drug addict and an alcoholic, it blocked things I could deal with later. My grandmother’s sister oralia when she found out I was staying in dragon she came and talked to me and asked me what my abilities were and I told her when I moved to Arizona had a hard time seeing them but I could hear them. She let me know that because of the proximity of where the remaining sisters lived which are Texas and Arizona,and Nevada, they created a binding in order to be able to understand what they were dealing with. They individually gain their abilities from birth but their abilities also were very pinpointed and concise. In my generation I was the first one that was ever tapped into my abilities however now when I’m talking to my cousins you know over the past few years and they’re starting to embrace that part of our heritage a little bit more. I Have seen death in his actual form and spoken to him as a colleague. I have incredible abilities that I cannot help but realize are not evil that God gave them to me.

My grandmother lived and extremely short life she live long enough to see three of her grandchildren being born but never live long enough to become old. Her family is the source of the abilities I have. I hadn’t noticed them until my grandmother sister explain them to me. One by one the daughters of that family died and with each one I received an ability that made me stronger. Now I’m not talking about magic which I know exist but I’m not going to pull a rabbit out of a hat and do some tricks to make people think that I am all powerful because I’m not. My abilities are confined in God.

How many of you are out there who have the same type of abilities but don’t understand them?

Storming the Capitol.

So people may be thinking that I’m wrong and that’s okay. The world is built on different opinions and different ideas. If we all thought the same what a boring world this would be. That being said so many different opinions are swirling around about what exactly happened. In my opinion people will do whatever they’re going to do it doesn’t really take much to insight people to decide to form a mob mentality. I do believe in peaceful protest, but I also believe that sometimes you have to take action to be heard. In my opinion I do not believe that this is what happened last week.

I grew up interracially mixed world. My genealogy, ancestry, ethnicity came from a lot of different places. To cut and dry say that I am of one ethnicity is seriously not giving credit to a lot of my ancestors. My family for the most part does not see different ethnicity or different race in the same light that a lot of people do. During my early childhood I grew up around African American kids, native American Kids, Anglo, and Hispanic kids. Racism was not an issue. But one day it became important. But why??? We just started hating on a level I had never thought would happen. It’s scary for me to imagine how the. Color of our skin is still an issue. The quality of our character is what matters.

1st Vaccine today

I have a few minutes to jot down some stuff. I have to wait 15 minutes to make sure I am good. Good thing I am off the next two nights.

Favorite Comedians

My favorite comedian hands down is John Leguizamo. I like him because he is not afraid to express how unconventional his life is. He Comes from a Latin family who similar to my family is gigantic, I have more cousins and uncle’s and aunt’s then most people do. He makes fun of how different his family is from the average American family which gives him plenty of material to use. Thing is American family yes come from all over the world yet they don’t share the same culture as some other families do. So he has to basically take the Listener on a verbal voyage through the Dynamics of his family in order to help them understand where he’s coming from. And where he has come from he talks about his parents his relationship with his brother his relationship with his uncle. How his father’s infidelity was handled in their family. How his family life was different than his friends.

I think I related to him because I realized as I was growing up I somehow realized how different my life was growing up then some of my friends. My mother was a single mother, however I did have a relationship with my father. It wasn’t a very healthy relationship a lot of times I had to realize that I was not the number one person in my father’s life. Where my mother sacrificed a lot of things for us growing up my father’s sacrificed nothing. But I do realize that the relationship I do have with my father is valid because my brothers don’t have that relationship with him. I was at least a part of his life even if it was just a picture in his wallet.

This brings me to the point I was trying to make. My father’s family have made it completely normal to make fun of themselves and make jokes out of situations that are actually not very funny but in retrospect what do you do. You got to laugh at it. They are storytellers from the beginning. Either ya laugh, or get upset either way you’re right with what you are feeling, and inevitably take you become part of their story.